I really love this short post by Robert Birming about turning a problem into a perk. I’ve found that idea—turning negatives into positives—to be excellent life advice. As in, literally one of the very best ways you can approach life.
At our best, when my wife and I face a life challenge, we try to ask ourselves, “What could be good about this, and how can we lean into that benefit?”
For example, earlier this year, we got word that my wife’s flexible work schedule was being rescinded and replaced by a rigid, Mon-Fri 9a-5p type schedule. This doesn’t seem like much, but beyond wreaking havoc in her day-to-day job duties, it would also eliminate many of our weekend trips—effectively cutting our travel in half. For us, that’s a huge deal. We had built our lives around having this type of schedule flexibility, making big life decisions based on optimizing for an at least somewhat flexible schedule. So it was a big blow.
I got the news via text, and after a few moments of fuming, sat down and scribbled out a quick list about how we could make the best of it by leaning into the benefits a more rigid schedule could offer us, plus what actions we could take to take advantage of the new situation (and yes, my wife later added a little easter egg comment on there). We met up for happy hour after work to first commiserate a bit on our misfortune, but then secondly, to discuss how to make sure we gained sufficiently from this unfortunate change.
I adopted a similar attitude more than 15 years ago as my first marriage was falling apart. Distraught over the sudden and surprising separation, I knew things would feel bleak for quite some time.
But I told myself, “Look, if I have to go through something this shitty, I might as well get something good out of it, too.” I couldn’t change the impending divorce (which, I’ll note, sucked at the time, but also set me on course for an overall better life anyway—a “blessing in disguise,” as the saying goes), but I could ensure that I received at least some benefits from enduring the mess.
The most obvious way I could do that back then was to build a new friend base, as mine had always been shared with that ex-wife. So I got on this new app called Twitter, joined some conversations, and then forced myself to go out and meet a bunch of the people I had been chatting online with in person.
Early twitter, back when it was simply social networking (not social media) and no one looked at posting as “creating content” or “building a following” or “how I get my news,” getting together with others who used the app was a common occurrence. There were a number of in-person tweetups each week, so I started showing up at them. This was waaay outside of my comfort zone, but I pushed myself to do it anyway.
And, boy oh boy, did I gain from that endeavor! I made countless friends—literally dozens upon dozens—a large chunk of whom I’m still in regular contact with. Some of them became my closest of friends.
I’m a much better person for it all. Not just because I developed a great group of people to call friends, but also because the “project” gave me a sense of efficacy in this period of life that otherwise felt like it was happening to me. It gave me a goal to pursue, something to track progress against, something new to enjoy, something to distract from the “loss” that the bad thing had created. And it produced an enduring asset for my life. It made a significant difference in the trajectory of my life since.
I have a number of friends who are hurting right now, enduring their own period of shittiness of some sort or another, living through tough times that they don’t deserve. Some of them have adopted this philosophy, while others have struggled to do so, preferring to retreat and hunker down amidst the turmoil and, well, all the feelings. I support each of them, of course, and wish they didn’t have to deal with what they’re going through. It can be hard to take this “there must be a silver lining” approach, but I think it leads to a much better outcome.