Some Arizona Wildcat jokes for the ASU-U of A rivalry game

can't fix stupid

Every rivalry needs some jokes. The annual Duel in the Desert is no different. Below are a few I’ve collected over the years. You may also be interested in some great plays of the Duel in the Desert, or reading up on 5 embarrassing facts about U of A, or checking out an album of UA memes.

Q. Why doesn’t U of A have ice on the sidelines?
A. The guy with the recipe graduated.


Q. How do you keep U of A football out of your yard?
A. Put up a sign that says “Rose Bowl.”

Q. Why did the U of A grad stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A. Because it said ‘concentrate.’


Q. What’s the difference between a dead coyote and a dead Wildcat?
A. There are skid marks near the coyote.

It’s being reported that Arizona head football coach Rich Rodriguez will only be dressing twenty players for the Arizona State game.
The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

Q. Why can you never end an argument with an AU fan?
A. Because they’re always trying to make an extra point!

Q. How many UA grads does it take to change a light bulb?
A. It doesn’t matter—the electricity was shut off last week.

Q. What’s more difficult than arguing football with a UofA grad?
A. Getting them to make your Big Mac right.


Q. What do you call an Arizona football player with a Rose Bowl ring?
A. Thief.

Q. Why do birds fly upside down over UA?
A. There’s nothing worth crapping on.

Q. Did you hear about the fire in U of A’s football dorm that destroyed over 20 books?
A. The real tragedy was that 15 of them hadn’t even been colored in yet.

1477594_10103149650681681_490574767_nQ. What does the average UofA football player get on his SAT?
A. Drool.

Q. What do you get when you see a groundhog in Tucson?
A. Six more weeks of bad football.

531029_133406426836751_906490435_nQ. Why do they throw manure at wildcat weddings?
A. To keep the flies off the bride.

Q. What are the longest three years of a U of A football player’s life?
A. His freshman year.


Q. What do you do when a Wildcat knocks on your door?
A. You tip ’em $5 and enjoy your pizza!

Q. Why can’t you find a cockroach in Tucson?
A. Because even a cockroach has an ounce of self-respect.


Q. What’s the difference between Cocoa Pebbles and U of A’s football team?
A. The Cocoa Pebbles belong in a bowl.

Q. How do you ruin a UA tailgate party?
A. Flush their punch bowl.


Q. What do Wildcat fans use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.

Q. How many U of A freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. It’s a sophomore class.


richrod-best-seasonQ. What is the difference between a U of A jersey and an onion?
A. No one cries when you cut up a U of A jersey.

Q. Why do AU chicks wear high heels?
A. To keep their knuckles from scraping the ground.


bear-down-2Q. What do you get when you put 32 Arizona cheerleaders in one room?
A. A full set of teeth.

Q. How do you know Jesus is not from Tucson?
A. You’ll never find a virgin there, much less three wise men.

Q. How do you get to U of A from Tempe?
A. You go south until you smell it and east until you step in it.


Q. What’s the only sign of intelligent life in Tucson?
A. Tempe, 112 Miles.

Q. Why are rectal thermometers banned at the University of Arizona?
A. They cause too much brain damage.


Q. How do you keep a Wildcat from playing with itself?
A. You paint its willie Maroon and Gold knowing it will never beat it!!!

Q. How do you castrate a U of A football player?
A. You hit his sister in the jaw.

Q. How do you get a Wildcats cheerleader into your dorm room?
A. Grease her hips and push.


Stoops went into the locker room on Monday and told Brooks Reed, “You’re failing MAT 101. In order to remain eligible, you’re going to have to answer a couple questions correctly.”
“What is four times eleven?”
“A hundred” Reed said.
“Give him another chance, Give him another chance!” the rest of the team said.
“OK, said Stoops, what is two plus two?”
“Four” beamed Reed.
“Give him another chance, Give him another chance!” the rest of the team said.

Q. How come whenever it is time for them to pick their Jim Click-furnished car, AU players never choose a Japanese car?
A. They’re afraid they won’t understand what’s on the radio.


Q. What do Wildcats and pot have in common?
A. They both get smoked in a bowl.

Q. What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Arizona campus?
A. A visitor.

Q. How did the Wildcat player die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him.


A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Wanna hear a good Arizona joke?”
The guy next to him replies, “Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I’m 6′ tall, 200 lbs., and I am an Arizona grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6′ 2″ tall, weighs 225, and he’s an Arizona grad. And the fella next to him is 6′ 5″ tall, weighs 250, and he’s an Arizona grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?”
The first guy says, “No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it three times.”

Q. How do you make Wildcat cookies?
A. Put them in a big bowl and beat for 3 hours.


Q. What do you say when you see an Arizona graduate in a suit?
A. Will the defendant please rise.

Q. How many U of A players does it take to screw in a light blub?
A. One, but it never gets done. They just hold the bulb up and wait for the world to revolve around them.


Q. What should you do if you find three UA football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A. Get more cement.

Q. How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Tucson?
A. Because had it been invented anywhere else, it would have been called the “Teethbrush.”


A UofA fan, a USC fan, & an ASU fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more. The USC fan insists he is the most loyal. “This is for the Trojans,” he yells and jumps off the mountain. Not to be outdone, the ASU fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, “GO DEVILS” and pushes the U of A fan off the mountain.

Two University of Arizona football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said, “Look, a dead bird.”
The other looked up in the sky and said, “Where?”


Q. How can you tell if a Wildcat football player has a girlfriend?
A. There’s tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

Q. Why don’t Arizona football players drink Kool-Aid?
A. Because they can’t figure out how to get two quarts of water into that little packet.

Did you hear about the power outage at the U of A library?
Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

525400_146815665495827_2123667828_nQ. Why do UA grads put their diplomas on their dashboard?
A. So they can park in handicap spaces!

Q. What do tornadoes and graduates from U of A have in common?
A. They both end up in trailer parks!


Q. Why was “The Wave” banned from Arizona Stadium?
A. Three UA fans drowned last year.

Q. What’s the difference between a pricky pear cactus and Arizona Stadium?
A. The cactus has its pricks on the outside!

UA fan backwards hat

Did you hear that the UA quarterback went ice fishing over the semester break?
He came back with 42 lbs of ice.

Why we don’t attend ASU games in Tucson

Leading up to this year’s Duel in the Desert, several friends asked Kim or I why we no longer attend the game when it’s held down in Tucson. I’ve been to several of those rivalry games, but we’ve skipped it the last 6 or 8 years.

Simple: it’s dangerous, and no longer fun.

I’ve been goaded into several fights, had food flung on me, had my car vandalized, had some pretty nasty things said about Kim, and generally not had a good time, even during our customary beatdown of the UA team. The last time the Devils played in Tucson, the crowd threw full water bottles at our bench, knocking out one of our medical staff. Nice.

The so-called “Zona Zoo” has gotten so bad that UA instituted a code of conduct policy and added spotters to keep an eye on the violence and vitriol. Way to represent the University.

During this year’s game, the Arizona football staff purposefully opens the gates to the field to the fans with more than 5 minutes left in the game. The crowd surges right up to the playing field, just feet from the players…with shouting, spitting, middle fingers, and some physical contact. If that was the UA bench, the team would have been penalized for unsportsmanlike conduct. Instead, it was constructed by Arizona Stadium staff.

It’s so bad that the Police make sure that Jody Jackson, the FSN sideline reporter, is ushered off the field before the end of the game because they are so concerned about her safety. A sideline reporter! Who has security around her, and who’s primary job is to get post-game interviews from players and coaches. It’s so dangerous that she has to flee before the game’s even over. If that doesn’t speaks volumes about the situation–fostered by the UA Athletics Department–then, I’m not what does.

It’s a real shame, but that’s why we don’t go. This is a situation that desperately needs to be fixed.