Every rivalry needs some jokes. The annual Duel in the Desert is no different. Below are a few I’ve collected over the years. You may also be interested in some great plays of the Duel in the Desert, or reading up on 5 embarrassing facts about U of A, or checking out an album of UA memes.
Q. Why doesn’t U of A have ice on the sidelines?
A. The guy with the recipe graduated.
Q. How do you keep U of A football out of your yard?
A. Put up a sign that says “Rose Bowl.”
Q. Why did the U of A grad stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A. Because it said ‘concentrate.’
Q. What’s the difference between a dead coyote and a dead Wildcat?
A. There are skid marks near the coyote.
It’s being reported that Arizona head football coach Kevin Sumlin will only be dressing 19 players for the Arizona State game.
The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.
Q. Why can you never end an argument with an AU fan?
A. Because they’re always trying to make an extra point!
Q. How many UA grads does it take to change a light bulb?
A. It doesn’t matter—the electricity was shut off last week.
Q. What’s more difficult than arguing football with a UofA grad?
A. Getting them to make your Big Mac right.
Q. What do you call an Arizona football player with a Rose Bowl ring?
Q. Why do birds fly upside down over UA?
A. There’s nothing worth crapping on.
Q. Did you hear about the fire in U of A’s football dorm that destroyed more than 15 books?
A. The real tragedy was that a dozen of them hadn’t even been colored in yet.
Q. What does the average UofA football player get on his SAT?
Q. What do you get when you see a groundhog in Tucson?
A. Six more weeks of bad football.
Q. Why do they throw manure at wildcat weddings?
A. To keep the flies off the bride.
Q. What are the longest three years of a U of A football player’s life?
A. His freshman year.
Q. Why do ASU fans always flush the urinal after peeing?
A. Because someone needs to send Tucson its drinking water.
Q. What do you do when a Wildcat knocks on your door?
A. You tip ’em $5 and enjoy your pizza!
Q. Why can’t you find a cockroach in Tucson?
A. Because even a cockroach has an ounce of self-respect.
Q. What’s the difference between Cocoa Pebbles and U of A’s football team?
A. The Cocoa Pebbles belong in a bowl.
Q. How do you ruin a UA tailgate party?
A. Flush their punch bowl.
Q. What do Wildcat fans use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. How many U of A freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. It’s a sophomore class.
Q. What is the difference between a U of A jersey and an onion?
A. No one cries when you cut up a U of A jersey.
Q. Why do AU chicks wear high heels?
A. To keep their knuckles from scraping the ground.
Q. What do you get when you put 32 Arizona cheerleaders in one room?
A. A full set of teeth.
Q. How do you know Jesus is not from Tucson?
A. You’ll never find a virgin there, much less three wise men.
Q. How do you get to U of A from Tempe?
A. You go south until you smell it and east until you step in it.
Q. What’s the only sign of intelligent life in Tucson?
A. Tempe, 112 Miles.
Q. How do you keep a Wildcat from masturbating?
A. You paint its dick Maroon and Gold knowing it will never beat it!!!
Q. Why are rectal thermometers banned at the University of Arizona?
A. They cause too much brain damage.
Q. How do you castrate a U of A football player?
A. You hit his sister in the jaw.
Q. How do you get a Wildcats cheerleader into your dorm room?
A. Grease her hips and push.
Sumlin went into the locker room on Monday and told Khalil Tate, “You’re failing MAT 110. In order to remain eligible, you’re going to have to answer a couple questions correctly.”
“What is four times eleven?”
“A hundred” Tate said.
“Give him another chance, Give him another chance!” the rest of the team said.
“OK,” said Sumlin, “what is two plus two?”
“Four” beamed Tate.
“Give him another chance, Give him another chance!” the rest of the team said.
Q. How come whenever it is time for them to pick their Jim Click-furnished car, AU players never choose a Japanese car?
A. They’re afraid they won’t understand what’s on the radio.
Q. What do Wildcats and pot have in common?
A. They both get smoked in a bowl.
Q. What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Arizona campus?
A. A visitor.
Q. How did the Wildcat player die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him.
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Wanna hear a good Arizona joke?”
The guy next to him replies, “Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I’m 6′ tall, 200 lbs., and I am an Arizona grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6′ 2″ tall, weighs 225, and he’s an Arizona grad. And the fella next to him is 6′ 5″ tall, weighs 250, and he’s an Arizona grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?”
The first guy says, “No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it three times.”
Q. How do you make Wildcat cookies?
A. Put them in a big bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Q. What do you say when you see an Arizona graduate in a suit?
A. Will the defendant please rise.
Q. How many U of A players does it take to screw in a light blub?
A. One, but it never gets done. They just hold the bulb up and wait for the world to revolve around them.
Q. What should you do if you find three UA football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A. Get more cement.
Q. How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Tucson?
A. Because had it been invented anywhere else, it would have been called the “Teethbrush.”
A UofA fan, a USC fan, & an ASU fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more. The USC fan insists he is the most loyal. “This is for the Trojans,” he yells and jumps off the mountain. Not to be outdone, the ASU fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, “GO DEVILS” and pushes the U of A fan off the mountain.
Two University of Arizona football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said, “Look, a dead bird.”
The other looked up in the sky and said, “Where?”
Q. How can you tell if a Wildcat football player has a girlfriend?
A. There’s tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
Q. Why don’t Arizona football players drink Kool-Aid?
A. Because they can’t figure out how to get two quarts of water into that little packet.
Did you hear about the power outage at the U of A library?
Twenty seven students were stuck on the escalator for four hours.
Q. Why do UA grads put their diplomas on their dashboard?
A. So they can park in handicap spaces!
Q. What do tornadoes and graduates from U of A have in common?
A. They both end up in trailer parks!
Q. Why was “The Wave” banned from Arizona Stadium?
A. Three UA fans drowned last year.
Q. What’s the difference between a pricky pear cactus and Arizona Stadium?
A. The cactus has its pricks on the outside!
Did you hear that the UA quarterback went ice fishing over the semester break?
He came back with 42 lbs of ice.
Q: If you have a car containing a UA wide receiver, a UA linebacker, and a UA defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.
Q: How do you ensure safe sex down in Tucson?
A: Place signs on the animals that kick.
Q: Why do UA students have the letters TGIF written on their shoes?
A: So they remember that Toes Go In First!
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the UA campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q. Why did the UA player die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q: What does a Wildcat fan do when his team has won the Rose Bowl?
A: He turns off the Xbox.
Q: What do you call an Arizona Wildcat in a BCS bowl game?
A: A referee.
Q: What’s the difference between a U of A football player and a dollar?
A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar.
Q: Why did the U of A football team cross the road?
A: Because it was easier than crossing the goalline.
Q: Did you hear that Arizona’s football team doesn’t have a website?
A: They can’t string three “Ws” together.
Q: What happens when blondes move from Phoenix to Tucson?
A: Both cities become smarter!
Q: Why do U of A basketball players use body heat activated deodorant?
A: Because it’s the closet they will come to getting a “Degree.”
Q: What are the best four years of an Arizona Wildcat’s life?
A: Fourth grade
Q: What do U of A grads use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: Why do all the trees in Tempe lean to the southeast?
A: Because Tucson sucks.
Q: What do tornadoes and graduates from U of A have in common?
A: They both end up in trailer parks.
Q: What does a UA student and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.
Q: What’s the one thing that keeps Wildcat basketball players from graduating?
Q: How is a Wildcat coed different from a bowling ball?
A: Sometimes a bowling ball is hard to pick up.
Q: Why should U of A change their uniforms to fluorescent orange?
A: So they can play the game, direct traffic, and pick up trash without changing.
Q: How do you get an Arizona Wildcat fan to laugh all weekend long?
A: Tell her a joke on Monday morning.
Q: What’s the difference between Arizona Stadium and a barrel cactus?
A: The barrel cactus has its pricks on the outside.
Q. How do they separate the men from the boys in Tucson?
A. With a restraining order.
Q: Why do Wildcat fans pour their cereal onto a plate?
A: Because they’re always losing their bowls.
Q: Why don’t girls play hide and seek in Tucson?
A: No one would look for them.
Q: What’s the main difference between a bucket of cow shit and a Wildcat fan?
A: The bucket.